I'm searching for something...

I'm searching for something... // -->

Saturday, July 31

I don't belong to the circle of life you shared with rest.
And I'm just a bystander that don't know what's best.

It's not as if i didn't want to care,
but i just couldn't find the energy and time to talk to you.
Yeah i regretted, yeah i'm sorry.
But go ahead and get somebody else...
then take it that.. i'm quitting.

I don't want to live in a world of isolation.
But still... yah that's the only place where i attain my "still".

A weird entry i have here. I just type out whatever i thought. Hai. I just felt like... screaming.

...

KNN TMD FU FI KNN TMD FU FI KNN TMD FU FI

Heli Dont ask me why 8:12 PM

Wednesday, July 28

3 compre, 4 chang wen shuo duan, 1 compo. I've done all these within 4 - 5 hours. Phew.. at least most of my chinese "debts" cleared. I'm so tired.

Lately just feel cold everywhere i go. Pratically shivering the minute i stepped out of my bathroom just now. Think i'm lack of sleep which explains my flu. Okay time to sleep.

~ cinderalla is late! ~

Heli Dont ask me why 1:04 AM

Tuesday, July 27

I'm so dead. I fell asleep yesterday night. Oh okay so what's wrong about sleeping at night rite.. duh. I haven't complete what i'm suppose to do! Oh man... =//

But i think i was hardworking la. At least i started working the moment i reached home till 10.30? I bathed only then leh.. sighs and i'm blogging here at this hour in time cos i jus woke up due to my bad flu. I kept sneezing and sneezing... even in my dream i'm sneezing. Nightmare rather.

I don't know what i haven't do and what i should do now.. totally whirling around in my mind. Let's hope i got my PW stuffs done and.. let's hope the assessment will go well today. BAh.. bad day ahead i guess. =X

To you who slept at 3 plus: Thanks for the message eh. I read le surprisingly my flu stop instantly. Then i now bu she de close the window.. lols. Haha.. you take care too. *hugs* =)

Heli Dont ask me why 4:40 AM

Monday, July 26

BOo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm tired of doing researching. Just trying to dig out the history of cartoons seemed so difficult. Call me a comp idiot or web idiot.. whatever.. i just can't find the relevant informations. and what did i found? pon? hey hey.. no i din even take a look at it kay? it totally sucks. I just want to complete my research and not visiting all these nonsensical websites! *almost want to pull my hair out*

Dumbo. And then now i'm trying to come out with the LAST question for my survey... and i couldn't think of one. It's so... idiotic. So much about saying ermm trying to get myself interested in the project.. knowing more about youth pregnancy etc.. BAH. I'm not at all interested and i really just want to get it OVER AND DONE WITH.

*fuming with anger at dunno wad*

Sickening things. =X

Heli Dont ask me why 12:45 AM

Sunday, July 25

kay I'm quite lazy to blog nowadays cos i don't find anything interesting to blog about. Hmmm band concert was okay, and i especially luv the first two emcees!~ not that i'm prejudiced against the other two, but really, esp the gerl.. think she looked so awful adorable in the blazer. As for the performances, ermm don't really know how to judge it, but relatively not bad ba.. but i think last time de.. better. =X

Yesterday got back my result slip for mid year. Though already knew my results before hand, but when i saw the results again, sighs. On top of that, think i'm one of the few that the principal left a yellow note there saying, "dear heli, continue to work harder, don't give up. you can do it!" Ya it just proves two things i suppose: One, my results really suck that i needed extra attention. Two, she thinks i've hope. So therefore i conclude, more coffee for me this semester, i gonna work real hard (like dunno how many times i say this le)... and i don't want to have a problem at the end of the year.

And today's sunday, got lots to do. Slept the whole of yesterday, i don't know why but i felt just so tired. As a result, today's fully booked by my tutorials and pw. Hope i got time to finish all today. Guess it's gonna be another busy week. May God bless me.

*stomachache*

Heli Dont ask me why 7:15 AM

Thursday, July 22

"I on boat le... Good bye... Seeya"

='(

Heli Dont ask me why 6:40 PM

Wednesday, July 21

My life apparently revolves around
project work...
tutorials...
and project work...
and more tutorials...

Sighs. When will all these ever stop piling. =/

I'm gonna miss u. =X

Heli Dont ask me why 11:18 PM

Sunday, July 18

*supposed to be publish yesterday. =X*

Official First Day In Unit Cum Passing Out Parade

Yup today's the first day for me wearing full uniform back to XMS Npcc Unit as well as the POP for the Sec4s. Had been training them for the past few weeks, been thru with them the trainings under the hot sun and seen their spirit grew each training. Unfortunately, there were so many unseen circumstances that happened yesterday, that I missed out half of the parade. It's a pity and regret on my side that I wasn't able to witness all of you marched out with glory and utmost pride you all have for I was attending to one of the casualty... But deep in my heart, I know all of you would be doing your best and definitely the very best that all of you can achieve.

And even during the concert, I wasn't able to see the performances put up, and the speech given by Zhiwen too. I think just too many things happened yesterday ba.. that really was unexpected and that.. I guess it wasn't a good sign nor a good start. the part when zw gave the gift to mr pah I also miss. And only when kanna sabohtage that part then im there... =P

Anyway, I think the most touching part would be when they play the powerpoint slides showing the pictures of the years in npcc.. Even though I'm not in your squad, I could feel the the she bu de feeling... and I guess for the campcraft team, all you would have a special feeling ba.. cos when I saw the campcraft team pics, it really bring me back to those days when your were practicing real hard for the competition and the sadness your felt when the results were revealed. Hmmm and for myself, its a sad thing that Im going to say goodbye to all of you...

To the Sec4s: I wanted to speak to all of you yesterday, but then didnt have the chance to do so. I remember in the earlier days, when I started off as a very new NCO, and if I don't remember wrongly, you guys were the first squad I took. And then I was assigned to take your junior. I don't know.. the feeling I have for the present sec4 squad and the present sec3 squad were different. I seem to have more fun with the sec3s.. but I seem to feel more for the sec4s. But of course, there's no special treatment from me to the 2 squads.. but perhaps what I want to say is.. there's just a special thing in each squad. Some of you told me that, you felt especially bonded together today.. yes that's of course. For its thru hardships and teamwork that bond all of you together. I wouldn't be surprise if more than one of you tell me that. I sincerely do hope that all of you would come back to npcc often, especially during the camps and etc. As for the CI course, i wouldn't really force your to go. But i just wanna share with your something. I didn't go for the D03 course for some reasons.. but eventually i went for the J04 batch for i do really want to go back for NPCC. It's all passion. The passion to want to come back.. *smile* It's really your own decision or not.. Nobody can force you to go.. and definitely no one can stop you from going. So.. I would remember the 2004 Sec 4 batch that has given me a special feeling... whereby its beyond words. So do keep those special memories in your heart always.. remember that you were once a cadet that don't know much and that you had grown to be able to lead. And most importantly, remember that we are one big family okay? Won’t say anymore le in case got people call me sadist.. want your to cry de. =P

Hmmm all the best sec4s in your 'O's and 'N's level. XMSNPCC will miss you guys. =')

Heli Dont ask me why 6:23 PM

Friday, July 16

*confused*

dropping hints?

or...

think too much?

Heli Dont ask me why 11:40 PM

Thursday, July 15

I feels like sea gull. Flying over the ocean as i search for deeper meanings in life. I saw life in many cities, i saw little poor boys running with bread crumbs in their hand where they got it from some bread shop to their sick mum who's leaning against the wall in the streets. I saw a coffeeboy accidentally knock a cup of tea into the customer and was on the spot being fired by the boss. No. I don't see him, but i saw the look in his eyes. The eyes that speak a thousand words of his family. I too see a girl tucking his younger brother to sleep.

Don't ask me why i manage to come up with all these. These are just some things i truly saw when i closed my eyes and listen to this song you're listening to now. I don't know why too.. but.. this is it.

Heli Dont ask me why 1:46 AM

Sunday, July 11

Just facts of life that irritates the hell out of me.
Don't worry.. giving up isn't my expertise.
Just that sometime, things that happen around you, you just couldn't figure out why.

Will start gearing up tomorrow le. Hmm think i have rest enough and.. ya i should put my thots into actions le. No short term goals.. i just wanna be promoted to J2. I don't wanna regret at the end of the year. I don't wanna waste my time. >.<

I need a little more discipline.
I need a little more confidence.
I need a little more motivation.

JUST DO IT.

Heli Dont ask me why 10:38 PM

Golden days of my life...

Was talking about the memories we had in school last time with ec today and i guessed, my golden years in education probably had ended. And i kind of miss the kind of life i lead last year, despite the hectic schedule, despite all those times where everything just fall on me and i needa cope, but yet, these are the things that make me enjoyed my last year in xms. The accomplishments, achievements, glory, fun, laughters.. the days where i spent doing house things, npcc trainings, sl meetings, all the days so busy but yet "i dun mind" feeling... kind of died off. It's somewhat like "overkilled" if you understand this term in Final Fantasy. Limit break.

But of course, time do change things. People change.. you had changed, so do i. Things weren't the same like last time anymore, we weren't the same anymore. I don't possess what i had in the past.. We don't behave the same way, but, i don't know i choose to think that.. i don't change a lot in my thinkings. Some mutual trusts were gone, some new relationships are formed.. The ups and downs, the twists and turns. But... i still do miss the past. The happy days.

Or perhaps we held on too much of our past there we refuse to move forward which probably explains why we don't experience much of what we do in the past. I'm resistant to changes.. it's not as if life in jc is bad, friends are bad, no.. that's not the point. I just.. things are not going to be the same anymore. And i do face up to this fact, but just that, we called it bu gan yuan to let go. But yeah, we do have to learn to let go. If we struggle to keep things, i guess, it's harder to go on to the new route..

But nvm though. Just got to let it all go. No point clinging on to something that you know right from the start, it doesn't belong to you. No point clinging on to the past and thinking how nice those days were and thinking how suckish days are right now. Burrr.. yeah i don't want to live in my past. I would edge myself slowly.. forward.

Things changed. You have changed my friend.

Heli Dont ask me why 12:18 AM

Friday, July 9

haiz... i just.. don't know what to say anymore. All i know is, my mind just revolved around "sian", "nevermind", "pek chek"... yeah i kept saying these few words again and again.. and tmd again. As you probably can sense it, there's this tone of being tired of myself le.. I'm just.. not doing anything concrete at the moment though i know i should. And i've been hearing words like.. "erm it's normal to get such results rite?".. i mean.. okie if that's what you wanna say to me, then maybe just leave me alone.

I don't know if i should have more time to myself to clear my thots and really take a good break before i start anything or whatever. Or maybe i had taken long enough, or just that it doesn't work. Maybe i should just start doing stuffs.. doing my work and etc.

Hmm these mid yr results, really affected me lots i guess. I think really one of the worst. And in my years of education, first time ever parents day, my dad needa go to school to see the teachers. Sighs.. what the hell amd i doing.. =X

Just let me slip awayyyyyyy.......

Heli Dont ask me why 11:05 PM

Wednesday, July 7

I wish i had some left to give out to you...
but apparently, i'm left dry too...
I'm dried after all these demoralising numbers..
i just wish i can lift you up a little bit...
but i'm left empty already...
and then perhaps when you stand up,
you can give me a hand...
but i'm left empy...
if i can push u a little more..
i would...
but i'm left empty..

Heli Dont ask me why 10:52 PM

FLunk fLUnk fluNK...

i'm dead.

Heli Dont ask me why 7:31 PM

Tuesday, July 6

and on lighter note to yx:

Eh.. sighs i heard bout that stupid flooding thing u say i.. sink with you too. I know you must be feeling damn fark up with those idiots over there. And to hell with the whoever who didn't shut off that farking tap den hai dao you like that.. =/ Hope you really alright.. i mean.. i don't know what to tell you either. From the yu qi you talked to me just now, think you are really dulan till sian about the whole thing. Then you really have to take good care leh, go and get as many thick clothings you have sia.

I just wanna say, really no matter how bad situation over there is, please really be comforted that, things somehow will get better eventually okie? Like i always say, when the night falls, it just means that the day is coming. Really hmm i won't be able to lighten your anger and whatever de, but i do hope this entry or just now we all talk de make you feel a little more ermm.. better? Do hope so..

So you take care k? Miss you lots.. =X

Heli Dont ask me why 11:38 PM

22/70

I got back the first major paper ever in ny and that was math - 22/70. Hmm i don't know how to describe the feeling i had then when i just saw the marks and heard what ms ng told me. Hmm i only know i kept repeating it to myself, "I'm gonna work real hard."

Oral was bad. Reading bad. Conversation bad. But expected la. Today started off with arriving in school early but yet i forgot to bring the blazer. Mind you blazer.. it's not as if a what.. a small little thing but a blazer. ... cock eye eh?

I feel i haven't walk in pace with Him. Hmmm perhaps i all along didn't start walking with Him. MAybe all i did was... just stood by the door and hesitated.

Isn't it funny how I can be more worried about what other people think of me than what God thinks of me.

I will leave you with this scripture

John 3:16
For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son that who soever believeth in him shall not perish but have everlasting life.

Heli Dont ask me why 11:08 PM

Monday, July 5

No i dun wanna go to school tmr. =/

*dreadful look. disgusted look.*

I dun feel like sleeping. Its as though like something bad gonna happen tomorrow.. and by sleeping early, i'm making the time goes fast. Really.. i don't want tmr to come. Sighs.. say whatever you like, say i'm having a child's tantrum.. not wanting to go to school or what.. No i don't fear the papers.. i don't fear the teachers.. nor my classmates. I'm just.. not looking forward to anything, everything.. anything. =X

No i haven't touch pw or any hwk. Yeah all about motivated to work hard and stuffs. Crap. I talk big. Bah. Pui.

gr EEKS. -shoulder hurts like freakin' hell. says:
hai.
gr EEKS. -shoulder hurts like freakin' hell. says:
no choice.
gr EEKS. -shoulder hurts like freakin' hell. says:
we picked this route...
gr EEKS. -shoulder hurts like freakin' hell. says:
have to get through it.

Yeah get thru iT!~~

Heli Dont ask me why 10:35 PM

BooooOOOooblahhhHHHHhhhhyyyYYYYYYEeeeEEEeeeerrrrRRRrrr.... Sian. =X

Heli Dont ask me why 3:49 AM

Friday, July 2

Linger

Hmmmm I want to linger dear
Hmmmm a little longer here
Hmmmm a little longer here with you
Hmmmm it's such a perfect right
Hmmmm it's doesn't seem quite right
Hmmmm this is our last night here with you
Hmmmm when its comes December
Hmmmm I will remember
Hmmmm our camping days and friendship through
Hmmmm as the years goes by
Hmmmm I think of you and sigh
Hmmmm this is goodnight not good-bye

It's fun riding in the wee hours of the morning, where all were in their fairylands. Didn't expect it to pour though.. but pretty cooling. I went round the estate and i gazed around me. And then as i looked at the windows, i could imagine the little children being tucked under the blankets. I could picture the fathers shaving off their moustache in the toilet while their loving wife toasting bread in the kitchen. It was all a pleasant picture of a family, a warm family.

But then this image didn't last for long when i saw an old lady waiting at the bus stop. I don't know why but each time i see an old man or old lady, there's this sympathetic feeling overwhelming me. It's as though each time i see one, and especially when they are alone, "where are their children?" would just cross my mind out of nowhere. I know it's abit.. Ya you called it think too much, like what's their life got to do with you etc.. I fully agree but still, i can't help but think. =X

And then i started singing this song(above). Then i recalled the night with J04 at the council ring. Things didn't really go wrong but neither was it uhmm what i thought it would be. And especially like this song, though it was erm hard to get all of them to know this song. Hmm memories of the course.. I still remembered the week before the course, everyday was so sian at the thought of going for it. I had pictured it to be a very traumatic and torturing course. Haha.. but now no. I think it's really worth it all and what's more i miss it now. The first day of this term when i went back, it was so weird to see everybody in brown. Guess i was too used to seeing blue. Heh.

Hmm dad called me and asked where was i. Ya.. lies again. But anyway, manage to go back not getting too wet and quickly retreat back to my room, and onto my cosy bed. Think i probably scare the hell out of him, getting him to wonder early in the morning where was her daughter. It just galls me that he's over protective over me and at the same time, i'm glad he's not like some other irresponsible father who don't care about their children at all. Cross emotions. Cross thoughts.

I'm gonna live my life reminding myself each day that, (i'm going to try k not say i will) since i've been given life to this world, i should live each day off happyily, and also to cherish everything around me, be it my parents, friends anybody, even my fish at home, i think all these are created with me to make this world a better place. So.. hmm sudden inspiration to have good thoughts about the world, hmm ya.. just live your life the way you want it to be. But of course.. heh we do have limitations. SO i would just change the sentence "live your life the way you want it to be... UNDER LIMITATIONS"

Oops. The last two words ermm.. wet blanket eh? =P

Heli Dont ask me why 11:50 AM

Thursday, July 1

Dou bu zhi dao yao wang na li zou cai dui.. yan qian jiu hao xiang mi mi hu hu de.. geng ben bu zhi dao wo dao di yao dao na li.. mei you ren lai zhi dao wo.. zai jia shan wo geng ben dou bu neng zuo zi ji de xuan zhe.. wo dao di yao zhen me ban.. =//

tian ah.. gei wo yi xian xi wang.. gei wo yi dian da an hao ma..

Heli Dont ask me why 2:29 AM

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